Monday, March 31, 2008
This time Mom hit the nail on the head. She told me this morning something that I have been thinking in my own head but so afraid to voice out loud, afraid to face what it means, scared to know I do feel this way about something and someone. Shocked at myself for me actually feeling this way and knowing this is never the person I wanted to become. I have a lot of coming to terms with my feelings to do yet. I have to face these thoughts, feelings and emotions and get over it as the song says. I have to move on and I am so unsure as to how even go about it. All I do know is my Mom was so right about me.
Mom do know us better than we know ourselves.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
When trucker and I first started dating we had long talks about if we ever got married how we would continue to have date nights for as long as we lived. How important it was to continue to do for the other and not take each other for granted. How we would stay connected whether emotionally or physically. We talked about how each of our marriages had failed, what caused this, how we both took blame of course not entirely our own, and what we could do to keep it from ever happening again. Should we actually ever marry again. We also talked about how even with both of us having children that we would still take much needed time without the children. Often times we both had seen many marriages fail because parents seem to forget that they are still individuals first and foremost. We all fall into a trap of sometimes calling each other mommy or daddy and losing our individuality and who we really are along the way.
We vowed we would never let this happen to us. No matter what we had to do, no matter how we had to do it, we would take and make time for US.
With our marriage approaching the two year mark we have done a good job of this so far. It's not been easy as anything worth doing seems harder sometimes. In our case what made it much harder was the fact that trucker is a trucker. When he first embarked upon this new career he was gone for a month at a time. Only to come home for at most four days. During those four days off he always made time for us. Every first day home was our alone time. As much as he wanted to go and pick up his children since after all he had not seen them for a month either he still made sure that first night home was all about us. It didn't matter whether we even left the house or not. As long as we had OUR time alone. I do have to say that very rarely we did leave the house that night. Heck we barely left the bedroom to be honest. One can only go so long without sex, or at least in our case. Give me a minute here while I pull my mind out of the gutter.......................
In the last 2 months trucker finally found a local trucking job. Now he is home nightly and every weekend. However his hours are so long that most evenings he is asleep within 30 minutes of arriving home. Leaving very little time for US. Each weekend we have the RugRats and my DD is always here except those nights she goes out driving or spending the night with friends. So our US time had seemed to fall by the wayside in so many ways. We got caught up in regular day to day life. Not taking our time together. Last Wednesday was my birthday and if you read my blog daily you know how unhappy and alone this day felt for me. I had been cooped up for lack of better wording for over a month in our house. I needed time out, alone, together, and emotionally to connect again with trucker. I felt like I had been pushed to the back burner and my flame was dwindling down with little hope of flickering back to life. I didn't want to say how I felt or even try to explain to trucker how I felt for my fear of feeling like I was being needy. But I was feeling very very needy. I felt unappreciated and disconnected from trucker and life around me. I guess I was or am depressed.
Without me having to say anything trucker caught on. He was and is so emotionally connected with me that he knew what I needed. To my surprise he had planned a belated night out alone with me last night. He had my DD watch the RugRats and took me out. The night was about US reconnecting, spending our much needed time alone. We both came home renewed, refreshed and rejuvenated. Oh how we needed this time. We both woke with huge smiles on our faces and happy. For once in a long time it didn't matter to me whether Sponge Bob Square Pants was blaring in the background this Sunday.
Never let your flame die down or flicker out.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
After trucker having a really good day bonding with RugRat 1 out on the road it then became RugRat 2's turn to go the following day. The difference's in RugRat 1 and 2 are like daylight and dark. RugRat 2 has ADHD, is never still, never quiet, and bores easily. You have constantly got to keep his mind as well as body busy. Not an easy task at home more of less in a truck. RugRat 2 is 8 years old and a typical boy in all counts. Two years running now he has broken at least one bone in his body.
Their day started out much much earlier than the day before. In fact it started out at the normal time it always seems to at 3 am. I was not up to see them leave. Had trucker woke me at that ungodly hour he would not have been able to leave as he would have been having lots of difficulties moving after being kicked in the nether regions. I did however check in several times that day.
Now the night before leaving I asked trucker had he remembered to get RugRat 2's Nintendo DS for occupying time instead of looking out the windows. No they didn't get his most prized possession to take. The batteries were not charged and the inverter was not working in the truck to charge there. What fun this trip was going to be, I thought.
My first check in call happened around 8 am when I woke up. The day was already going bad for them both. RugRat 2 got on at 4 am and promptly fell asleep in the bunk. Heck I would have to, so no fault or problem there. He woke at around 6:30 am and was ready to go home. Boredom had already commenced to set in. Trucker said they started playing some road games. Things like who could spot a tractor the fastest, strange license plates, and things of this nature. It wasn't working for RugRat 2. To be honest not much works for RugRat 2 except Playstation, Nintendo, or TV. Trucker was screwed.
Trucker turned the satellite radio on the Disney channel yet again and this was a good thing. RugRat 2 does enjoy his music and sang along quite happily.
As the day progressed I called in a few more times only to hear that he was still bored, still whining and ready to go home. "But are you having fun and bonding"? I would ask. Truckers response "Well he grinned a couple of times". My two poor truckers were in for a long long day.
The highlight of RugRat 2's day ended up being eating at Wendy's again, listening to the stereo and returning to the company to go home. Trucker and he did bond, talk and sing together so all not a total loss. I went to pick them up around 8 pm, as I said a long long day, and RugRat 2 almost took my car door off the hinges in his hurry to get in. He is grinning ear to ear and acting quite happy. I turned around and asked if he had fun. Oh yes, lots of fun. I got to eat at Wendy's and got chocolate milk. Now you would think we never take the kids out to eat from the way they get excited over it. So RugRat 2 is telling me about his fun filled day completely the opposite from what I have been hearing from trucker. Then I asked "So when you grow up would you like to be a truck driver"? The response brought tears of laughter to my eyes and I wish you could have heard him. He was so cute in his answer and the way he said it to me.
"Well........................really...............I.............don't......................think......................so.......it's .......................boring.....................and dumb.................all.........you...........do...........is.............sing".
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
I am not ashamed of my age. No not me. I've never been one to let the age part of it bother me. In fact I have always been one of those people who will tell you my age when asked and not play that guessing game that some people often do. You know what I'm talking about, the one where women always say "How old do you think I am" placing some poor sucker right on the hot seat. Sucker never knows how to answer this question and not hurt the woman's feelings. So naturally he always answers really lower than what he is thinking. So the age part is no problem for me.
The problem lies with the day itself. You know when we're little the day is all about us and what we want to do. We usually got a party which was ours, presents to open, well wishes and lots of cards. Heck we even got money to spend as we wanted. A day to celebrate us. A day to have fun.
I remember one birthday in particular which I will never forget. I believe I was in the third grade of school. My mother planned a party for me at school with all my classmates. Back then this was allowed, especially in a school our size. Mom had a special cake made in my honor. I remember the cake so well. It was beautiful and so unique at the time. I wish I had a picture to show you of it. The cake was a Barbie cake. An actual barbie doll stood in the center of this cake and the cake part was her dress. I was thrilled to have this cake even at that age. I remember the teacher cutting the first piece for me. Then I remember some little boy snickering and saying out loud for the whole class to hear "I wonder if Barbie is naked underneath"? The whole class laughed about this except me. I was mortified. I could have died while walking up to the front of the class to get my piece of cake. A birthday to remember.
As we get older at least in my case the day is not about ME or what I might want to do. It's just another day in my life. No one seems to celebrate it. No one quite honestly seems to even care. Except me. I have not had a party since I was a child. Hell I haven't even had a cake baked for me. Oh wait I take that back. My mother used to make me one and we had a special dinner. This however has not happened in years. Oh don't think it's been completely forgotten. I did have several people WISH me happy birthday, but no one done anything special for it. No surprises, no nothing. My Princess did go out and buy me a card and actually took the time to write some words in it. My trucker didn't even remember till around 8pm tonight. This really hurt. I know he worked all day and actually took his Rugrat 2 with him. That particular story to come later. I didn't expect much, not really, but flowers or a card would have been nice. Instead I got a text message. A freaking text message. I know truck stops carry cards as I have bought them myself. Do my family and friends think that just because one is getting older they don't want a day of celebration?
So my day is ending with me being depressed, sad and lonely. Sitting here with the computer for company playing solitaire. What a great birthday to me.
We started out on our journey together laughing, chatting and listening to that god-awful rap music she enjoys. I had to severely bite my tongue it's quite sore this morning on that issue as I hate rap music. I guess that is the only music I truly can say I hate.
We had been driving about 15 minutes when princess looked over smiled and said "You know Mom, today I am trying on as many dresses as it takes to find one, and not being a butt about it". I had a smile from ear to ear. That butt swat and talk musta done the trick I thought. This day will be good.
Poor Princess must have tried on at least 40 or more dresses. Me being Mom, felt and thought each and everyone looked wonderful on her. After all my spawn looks beautiful in everything as she takes after me. haha. She was a real trooper about it. Not once complaining, whining or bickering with Leisure Mom. She HAD learned her lesson.
We narrowed the designs as we went along. Placing the wouldn't have on a bet dresses back on the hangers for the service person to place back on the racks and taking the contenders and hanging separately. We narrowed it down to about 15 and started the process over again. I must say I would recommend this bridal/prom store to anyone. The customer service was excellent as well as prices, styles, designers, and atmosphere.
Princess and I got the decision down between two. She wanted a dark eggplant colored one that Leisure Mom sorta liked. The only thing I quite honestly didn't like is the material it was made of. It crackled when she walked and was heavy. I pointed this out I was grasping for straws here. Moms do this sort of thing to get there way, you remember I'm sure? Here is the dress in all it's splendor. Here is the winner. Here is my baby all grown up and hating her picture made. Here is Leisure Mom taking a picture with tears in her eyes at the sight of Princess all grown up.
Her dress is Royal Blue which really brings out her blue eyes and is covered in various colored rhinestones. It gorgeous in person.
We also found the perfect shoes in the same store which had to be ordered in her size since she has small feet. We also lucked out and found matching earrings and bracelet.
The shoes should be in in about two weeks and then we go back for the fitting. They are having to sew her cups into the bodice, tighten the bodice some and since Princess is so petite, they are having to take some of the length off.
I loved the shoes. Sure wish Princess and I wore the same size shoes as I would have to borrow steal them. Like Leisure Mom has anywhere to ever wear them. haha.
Trucker loved the dress as well. Although after I emptied his pockets for our day out he is never one to complain. Gotta love my trucker for this.
Dress: $325.00 Shoes: $80.00 Earrings: $75.00
Our day out: $500.00 and worth every penny.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Dear Heavenly Father
It's not often I come to you for such trivial prayers, as I know you are bombarded in more necessary and important ones, but today is different you see. This is day 2 of prom dress shopping for Princess. I ask that you keep me in your thoughts today as I know you do everyday. Please give me strength and courage in my motherly endeavor to find the perfect dress. Please give me above all else, patience, to remember I was once 17 years old, patience that mother and daughter do not kill one another and strength for what lies ahead. Oh and I almost forgot, wisdom. Wisdom to know when to keep my motherly mouth shut and just "go with the flow". These things I ask you your name father, AMEN.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Or at least it was in our house yesterday. Thrill being the actual egg hunting that went on here. I bet you thought I was talking about something else. Oh the kids were all excited when dying their eggs the night before as you may have read. However trucker took the thrill right away when the egg hunt began. You see each year till now we have filled the eggs full of candy, and always had prize eggs with money inside. Instead this year we simply bought the kids gifts cards in place of actual prize money to put into the eggs. We wanted to avoid the whining of not finding a prize, the crying about how unfair it was and all the usual stuff that happens if you don't win. So in essence trucker took the thrill away.
Why did he do this? Each year that we have filled the eggs there always ended up being at least one child who never got a prize. Now as far as I am concerned that is part of the game. Not winning is part of life and to me something that should be learned early on. You can't always win, you know? So trucker and I had sat down the night before after the kids dyed the eggs and discussed this prize portion of the hunt. It honestly didn't matter one way or another to me if their were prizes or not. I did suggest that if there were prizes to please explain before hand that if you didn't win, well hell, that's life! I mean it's not always wine and roses.
So trucker explained about NO prizes or candy in the eggs. That went over like a lead balloon to say the least. Now the thrill less hunt begins. Trucker takes the kids outside, explains the boundaries of the hidden areas and I take pictures. They ended up having a good time after all looking and searching. To me the funny part of the entire thing was that we had over 5 dozen eggs hidden. The majority were hidden in plain site and thus made them harder to find. They were not expecting them to be laying out in the open like that. I accused trucker of just being plain lazy and not putting the effort he once done into it. That too went over about like a lead balloon. They were looking high above, under things and all the while stepping on them right under their feet. It was priceless to see this. Sometimes easy is really hard.
Being that is was totally not thrilling to them anymore what with no prizes then they only wanted to hunt only one time.
So my question is: Should we have placed prizes into the eggs and subjected ourselves to the usual whining and crying? Or done as we had done and gave them equal gifts? Let me know.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Here at my house it's also the time of year my family seems to resurrect one of my sins regarding Easter as well.
Like many households across the nation we dye eggs each year. The little ones love this as well as us mid lifers too. Having the spawn around has gave me a chance to continue with some of my own family traditions and keep me young at heart. By allowing me the joy of still getting to dye eggs. I have to dye at least three myself. Last night was no exception as we all gathered around the kitchen table in anticipation of the big event. Well I say all but that's not true as Princess was out on a date. So this left trucker, his two spawn and myself. The fun was about to begin.
Trucker made all the little cups of color, adding the vinegar so carefully and just the right amount of water to each cup. He is a real stickler for this sort of thing actually getting out the measuring cup to ensure each cup had no more than exactly 5 ozs. of water. I wish he was this picky about other things in life like cleaning house or picking up after himself. I can only dream here. But I digress....................After each cup of color is ensured for quality the fun begins. Or so I thought.............
You see when trucker and I married two years ago we had two households of complete sets of furniture, dishes, utensils and you can only imagine how much stuff we had. It was horrible how much STUFF you have. The process of weeding out the throw away items was left to me. It was my responsibility to go through each and every little item to decide what got discarded. This was not an easy task nor one I really wanted to do alone. Alas, trucker was working very long hours and left it to me. You see I can't stand clutter of any kind. I dislike it immensely. It took me weeks to go through it all. Lots of items I had to set aside for trucker to approve throw away first. Anything I thought might have some sort of sentimental value to it I left for his decision. I also have to admit anything that looked like something I disliked went into the garbage. Over the course of the last two years trucker is still wondering what happened to his favorite pair of jeans from high school.
Ok, cut back to egg dyeing. Here we are having the time of our lives and the older spawn asks how to tie dye an egg. Trucker pipes up with "We have a kit to do this with". "You remember it older spawn". I started trembling, dreading the rest of this conversation. Each year thus far we have this same darn conversation in which I had committed the ultimate crime and sin. You see this tie dye kit was one of the items I decided to throw away!! It was not in the original box, it didn't look like something worth keeping and it was hard to tell even what it was. So I made one of the first decisions of married life here. One I guess I will pay for for the rest of my married life. As it seems trucker has no memory of this from year to year. Although he can remember who won a nascar race from 1970 as well as who came in second, third and fourth and even fifth.
Once again I am left to speak up and remind the spawns that I threw this kit away. Yet again I hear groans, whines and crying. Yes, even crying. I also feel daggers of "go to heck" looks stabbing into my back. I immediately run into my craft room. I bring back, glitter, glue, fuzzy pom poms, those plastic wiggly eyes, feathers and most of what I have I there. You see this year I was prepared!! I had it all covered. The kids ended up having the best time decorating their eggs. I ended up being a hero for once. Not the wicked step mother with the giant wart on the end of my nose but the lovely step mother with flowing golden locks, smiling from ear to ear.
I am deeply hoping that next Easter the resurrection of my past sins is laid to rest.
Friday, March 21, 2008
I started blogging to begin with because I love to write. I mean really love to write. Someday I would also like to try my hand at writing a romance novel. If my writing makes you laugh, cry, smile and be entertained, then that's wonderful and that makes me smile. If it makes you mad, pisses you off, offends or upsets you in any way, well then, all I can say is DON'T READ IT. No one is holding a gun to your head (at least I certainly hope not anyway). It would never be my intention to deliberately offend or make someone mad. My only intention in writing a blog is for my own selfish purposes. To make me happy. To share some of my own observations in life, to talk about mid life and all it's trials and errors. To share some funny stories with others who might relate. Also to speak what is on my mind. So with all this being said let me start.
I received a nasty comment following my entry as I have said. The comment stated "When are you going to start beating your step children as it's so obvious you hate them". My entry was about hating a particular cartoon. Sponge Bob Square Pants cartoon to be exact. I hate this same cartoon even when my grandchildren are here staying. Does this mean I hate them? Of course not. It simply means I hate cartoons. I have always had a dislike for all cartoons. Even when I was young I rarely watched them. As I have said before "when you reach middle age your nerves are not quite what they once were" and certain things tend to make them worse. To the anonymous person who made this hateful comment "You do not know me or my life".
When I married my trucker almost two years ago we both knew the other had children. In my case grandchildren to boot. We were also old enough to know the combining of two ready made families would be likely difficult as well. It would also take some time to get used to one another, our habits, and our personalities. Trucker also knew that I had reached a certain age to where I was looking forward to not having little children around daily. After all my youngest was in 10th grade and not far from college. I had grown used to the house being somewhat quiet as princess spent a lot of time out with friends or in her room. Young children do not go out and as well do not spend a lot of time being quiet. We both knew this. Heck anyone with children knows this (if not boy are you in for a surprise).
It did take some getting used to as far as having young children around again. However it's been more than worth it. I love my step children. It didn't happen overnight and it didn't happen in a period of a month but it did happen. They are part of my trucker and nothing is going to change this. If you love your spouse, you also grow to love their children. I look at his two children and see my trucker in each of them. I see his smile, his movements and his personality shine through both children. How could you not love your bonus children if you love your spouse? Does this mean I like them? Yes to this as well. Does this mean I like everything they do? Nope. Just like I don't like everything my children and grandchildren do. But I do LOVE each and everyone of them.
So for the anonymous person who made this vile comment to me "Do not judge me or make accusations until you have walked in my or another persons shoes".
As I said yesterday the two of us have a really unique, sometimes perverted sense of humor. We also know that while we love each other dearly we are not blind when it comes to the opposite sex. God forbid we ever become blind as we both will always look and admire. Some of my friends find it hard to believe that we do this. Why? It's natural, normal and can be fun. We have a rule: you can look but don't touch. It works for us both. Neither of us have a jealous bone in our body and probably never will have. If I catch other women looking at my husband I'm not jealous, I am proud. Look what I've got and you can't have is what is running through my brain.
So anyway...................with this being said let me tell you as well that we also sometimes send each other little pictures (sexually explicit) on our cell phones. We have done this since day one practically of meeting one another. No harm, no foul. Sometimes these pics are of each other and sometimes stuff off the net. Like I said, we aren't dead yet. God forbid anyone ever sneak a peek into our pictures on our computers. Now that quite possibly might be embarrassing for us both.
Well early this morning trucker sends me a text message. It reads "Thanks baby you just made my day as well as making me hard". "Payback is coming" he says. I am however still asleep when this text arrives and the phone signals me. I think to myself "boy I must be good to send him telepathic messages like this" and have a nice little chuckle to myself. Then my phone signals again and I receive a nice little picture of him myself. My morning isn't going to bad either here. Nice to admire what you have from afar. I can't help but wonder what I had done to get him all excited but heck who am I to question this right now since I am on the receiving end of some nice little pics myself. I let this rock on for a bit as after all I am enjoying myself too.
Finally he calls and tells me to please stop as he won't be home till later. Much later tonight since he's in Alabama. "No problem honey as I am not the one making you all excited, but you are sure getting me stirred up here". A hush fell over the phone. You could have heard a pin drop. Total silence except for the sound of the motor of the semi truck and of course nascar radio in the background. Come to find out one of the other drivers whom he works with is sending these pics to him so that the two can share. At first trucker was all excited about it and then when I told him that I wasn't the one sending anything then he got scared. A grown man scared, a trucker scared, my man scared. He's never scared of anything. Now stop and think a minute. The reason he was scared was because at first he thought that he had hit the reply button and was sending porno of himself to his male friend. I burst out laughing. I couldn't help it. I would have loved to have seen the look on trucker's face when this thought first entered his mind. It would have been priceless. Can you imagine this? Just thinking about it now has me laughing again. I finally explained to him that he hadn't hit the reply button (Thank God) and that I was the only one seeing porno of him this early.
Needless to say his day and erection sorta faded for a bit. Now I can't imagine why I felt I had to share this with strangers. It was just to funny not to though. Out of curiosity are we the only other married couple who does this sort of thing?
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Now that trucker works locally the longest he is ever gone at a time is overnight. So this was my first day only run. Long day at that. We started out at 3:30 am. That number or time seems to be not working so well for me as you might have read from my previous entry morning walks. None the less this is the time trucker chose. Why he can't choose a much more chipper time of day is beyond me. After all I am a lady of leisure not a morning little spitfire like I once was. Anyway we headed out for Tennessee. Three separate places to be exact. Can I just say "beautiful". Everything is finally turning green around here. Gorgeous green! It's been so long I almost started crying. Tears came to my eyes at one time looking out over green rolling hills when I seen two deers eating in a green pasture. Green, do you hear me Green. Spring has sprung. I also want to say "It's about damn time too".
Now I like Nascar as much as the next person, probably even more so actually. I love it. I have always said I am a nascar fanatic not a regular fan. However you stay confined trapped in a small enclosed space with trucker for what seemed like hours listening to nothing but nascar radio on Sirius. Give me a break here. NO one should have to listen to this that long. Jesus I never knew they could talk so much about cars. When I threatened to throw the radio out the window trucker changed channels. Now we are listening to the various comedy stations. And laughed our butts off. Well not literally, one can dream though. Oh wouldn't that be nice if we could do this?
From TN to Mississippi. By way of Memphis, TN where the company is he works for anyway. Now I have to say MS is flat but it was green too. Yippee more green.
I know I sound like maybe I didn't have fun but we had a blast. I love spending the day with him however I can get it. Even being confined as we were. We laugh, joke, and talk. Talk, sometimes something we don't have much time to do.
See trucker and I have this (now what would I call it?) sometimes strange and perverted sense of humor that most other people just don't get. We get it. We understand one another. It's funny we haven't been married two years yet and know it's going to last. We can make each other laugh. I think (as does he) that this is sooo important. No matter what might happen down the road, no matter what trials and tribulations we might face, we just know we get along so well as friends (not everyone could stay confined) that it's going to last.
I recommend to every middle aged or any woman reading this. Take a long drive with your husband and really get to know one another better. Believe me you will get to know them well like this.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Nerves (or lack thereof) is also something that seems to fly out the window when you hit mid life. Every little thing seems to get on your nerves. Whether it be the child at a restaurant crying continually next to you and interrupting your only outing for the month, the stereo playing loudly (or even quietly sometimes) from the upstairs bedroom, or the TV droning an incessant continual noise in the background. All and anything gets on your nerves some days.
You also reach a point in mid life (once more at least in my case) that you finally, finally get to speak what is actually on your mind. This seems to coincide with the loss of your patience and your nerves. Where once you kept your mouth shut for fear of "hurting someones feelings" or "making a scene" don't worry about it anymore. Who really cares? You can finally be YOU. If you don't like something, then by golly say you don't. If something is getting on your nerves then Say It. If you don't want to be your child's homeroom sponsor at school, then don't do it. There are many things you don't really want to do but still you have this nagging thought in your head that you have to. You don't have to do or say anything you don't want to. You have earned this right.
By being you and saying exactly what you feel you have deleted some stress in your life. Oh I know what your thinking here, I don't want to hurt any one's feelings, I don't want to upset someone, I have to keep things to myself. Who are you helping? Certainly not yourself.
A very wise woman once told me "Saying NO is one of the most powerful words in the English language and we need to learn to say it more".
Thank you mother for allowing and providing me with such wonderful insight.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Trucker had to leave for work at around 3am (like most mornings) and kissed me goodbye ever so gently before leaving. I snuggled down deeper into my covers knowing I would finally get some much needed sleep. My mind in a dreamy state of bliss thinking about how the whole bed was mine. Mine all mine, to stretch out and snore.
My dreamy state of bliss however was rudely awakened at about 3:30am. That can't be the phone I hear ringing, no way at this god forsaken time of morning. It wouldn't sink in to my conscious that early. The annoying sound finally stopped. Only to start again.
"Hello" I said "this better be good". It was. Was it ever good. It was mind numbing and not the best way to start a day. Any day for that matter. "Honey, I need you to walk to the police station and bring money to get me out" my trucker said to me. Mind you I am still half asleep at this point, at least until I heard this statement anyway. "Get you out, did you have some sort of accident, are you OK"? was all I could wrap my sleep filled brain around. The conversation continued. Trucker ran a stop sign (one of those rolling stops everyone does at 3am in a small town). He never seen the cop waiting, sitting silently in the dark watching him. Trucker got pulled over and when they ran his DL# he had a warrant. A warrant? Why? When? "What the heck did you do?" I asked jumping out of bed.
It's dark out at 3:30 am, the wind is blowing all is quiet in everyone else's world as they are sleeping in their beds. Not me though I have a 6 block walk to the police station. This gives me some time to ponder, wonder and worry about what happened. What did trucker do?
Trucker had a warrant we knew nothing about from a hot check from over a year ago. That's it, no huge crime, nothing for me to be overly concerned with. If you're asking yourself why this happened about the check. We had opened a checking account because his checks had to be direct deposited at his previous employers. The bank also told us we had overdraft privileges. The wonderful bank however never told us the overdraft didn't kick in for 3 months however. Long story and won't go into more now. Just explaining why my trucker was "picked up".
Sorry Trucker but I found this to be so funny at this time of morning. I tried really really hard not to laugh to no avail. I burst out in laughter. Naturally like most men would he found no humor whatsoever in my laughs. I finally maintained some control and paid him out. Why is this funny? It happened to me about 3 months ago and the situation was reversed. Trucker (at that time) found much humor in ME having to be bailed out for the same crime. Crime, such an ugly word. We aren't people who commit crimes. Not us, we are law abiding citizens who attend church on Sunday's, visit our families, love our children and simply had a run of bad luck. Oh well, now I guess we're even, trucker and I. Never a match made better.
1. Getting woke up at 3am from a phone ringing - $200.00
2. Having to walk 6 blocks in the dead of morning - $300.00
3. Paying bail on your hubby - $506.00
4. Knowing you have blackmail to hold over trucker's head - PRICELESS
Monday, March 17, 2008
I've known since birth really that I was of Irish/Scottish decent. Considering that every family member (and I do mean everyone) last names for generations have begun with "Mc". Which makes this holiday a special one for me. I am proud of my heritage and always have been. Why, I don't really know. I do however feel the need to constantly tell people this fact about myself. I also have longed and dreamed for years of someday visiting Ireland and Scotland.
I love to hear the accent from the land. I remember once when I worked in a nursing home that there was a lady from Ireland there. I could sit at her bedside for hours listening to her tell stories. It didn't matter if the stories were interesting or not, just to listen to her voice filled me with longing. It was lyrical, sweet, soft and beautiful. It stirred something in me.
I also think my ancestry is the reason I am drawn to Celtic music. I could listen to the group Celtic Women from dusk till dawn and never tire of their voices either. In fact my trucker has been trying desperately to purchase tickets for my birthday to one of their concerts. No luck unfortunately however as they have rescheduled their tour and not coming close enough to us after all. Maybe next year I sigh............................
I also am enthralled with books on witchcraft, pagan rituals and customs, and anything to do with knights, swords and sorcerer's. It totally fascinates me to read these things. One of the reasons I fell in love with reading books by Nora Roberts. I have to confess as well at one time I dabbled in the white crafts. No more though as my trucker found this somewhat unappealing. Maybe he thought I would turn him into a toad. haha.
I will leave you now with one of my favorite songs/video's as well as some Irish prayers.
May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face.
And rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the hollow of His hand.
Always remember to forget
The things that made you sad.
But never forget to remember
The things that made you glad.
Always remember to forget
The friends that proved untrue.
But never forget to remember
Those that have stuck by you.
Always remember to forget
The troubles that passed away.
But never forget to remember
The blessings that come each day.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Isn't Sunday's for relaxation? Nascar races? and most importantly sleeping in?
Not at our house! On the weekends the spawn (as I lovingly refer to my step children) are at our house. Every weekend come rain or shine.
This means: no relaxation, limited Nascar viewing, no getting to sleep in and worst of all..................Sponge Bob SquarePants.
I hate that little sucker with a passion. I don't really know why all I do know for sure is he annoys the snot out of me. Every single Sunday (and most Saturday's) I wake to the sounds of the television playing the theme song.
This Sunday was no different. Why I thought it might be is beyond my comprehension. I guess I was sleep induced at the exact moment I thought this. My mind befuddled with possibly, maybe, sorta thinking I would get to snuggle in bed with trucker. Once more I was wrong. Because Sponge Bob invades our world yet again.
As I rose from the bed (the theme song playing in the background) I had another song playing through my own mind.
"Who lives in a chunk of fruit under the sea,
Sponge Bob Square Pants,
Who annoys the shit out of you and of me,
Sponge Bob Square Pants"
The spawn found no humor in my little ditty!
Thus begins another Sunday................................
Saturday, March 15, 2008
How far from my dreams it was. My bubble was burst from the moment we walked in the door. Princess and I have prepared and planned for this day for months. We have surfed and scoured the net in search of the perfect dress. From one website to another. Made our lists and checked them twice! We were ready. Or so we thought.
Obviously everyone else in the state was ready as well. My God at the people in this small prom and bridal store. I think in all seriousness there were about 150 women and girls there with a total of maybe (and I do mean maybe) 3 service providers. Who weren't even dressed to look like helpers. They had on street clothes so you couldn't tell who was supposed to be helping and who was shopping. After finally finding someone to help I politely handed our list over. Now it's not a large list and actually divided by: Designer, style number, and color and had 11 dresses on it. The "helper" looked at me like I had sprouted two heads. She had no clue. None. Their store was divided by.............................color. Not size, not designer, not a style number....................just color. Have you ever heard of such?
After going through the store from top to bottom and not finding one dress on the list (of which I might add came from their website) the helper started pulling anything she thought might fit or look half-ass (yes, my southern gentile side is gone now) nice. "Helper" put them all into a dressing room for us to come to later when we got ready to try them on. We were told we could continue looking for more to take in there and "no hurry". That was a huge mistake.
Let me take a minute to breathe here.......................
We get to our dressing room. There are NO dresses in there. Someone had taken every dress we placed in the room and put them all back out on the racks. I could have screamed right then and there. OK, calming breathe again..................
Princess starts trying on what we had in our hand while "helper" goes in search of our lost dresses once more. Princess then decides to cop an attitude with me. Me I say, her mother, me who has looked so forward to this day for 17 years. Me who wiped her butt, her runny nose, who cuddled her when she is sick, got an attitude like the devil himself. Why? Princess has never liked trying on clothes! Not liked trying on designer clothes! Is this my child I ask? Surely while I lay in the hospital bed after giving birth they must have switched babies on me. No spawn of mine would hate trying on clothes for prom.
Cut to the last straw. I developed an attitude myself. God help me I lost it! I shouldn't have. I know this down deep in my soul. My "devil within" knew not to react to a teenager having a temper tantrum. But did my little devil listen? Oh no, I smacked my teenager on her naked little behind. Boy did it sting my hand and her pride.
Now we have tears. Tears from Me and tears from princess. Our day was ruined (like it ever had a chance in holy heck anyway).
We left the store at that very moment. Never to return again.
Both princess and I have calmed down now, talked, apologized and made plans for this coming Friday to go again. But as God is my witness....... we will return home with the dress of both our dreams, in the style of our dreams, with the customer service of our dreams OR never come home again. Oh and I might add...........not with bad behavior out of either of us.
Friday, March 14, 2008
So anyway while lying there I was thinking of my family, more specifically my grandmother on my mothers side of the family. She is on the hospital with colitis. While this may not seem to be that much of a "biggie" my grandmother is 103 years old. She has lived a long full life and still lives at home. Up until the last few years she has done wonderfully. Can you imagine living for that many years and still having full function and capabilities? I can't unfortunately.
Well this led to other thoughts (see I said the wheel never stops spinning) of my dad's side of the family. His elderly family have either all passed on or have that dreaded disease of "dementia". Or so it seems anyway. Some have actually been diagnosed with it years ago. Lots of them. Now I must say, Dad is not included in the ones who have it, thank God.
So the wheel keeps spinning, around and around it goes..........................more thoughts rolling around inside my mind.......................it goes on and on and then......................it stops and it hits me!
Our lives and length of life is determined by our genes. How long we live, how our health is and the whole nine yards. The whole kitten kaboodle.
So does this mean I am going to live a long long time and continue to be even nuttier than I already am? God help trucker man.
However now it's left me making another confession: I'm sexually frustrated now!! Did I just say that out loud?
They say confessions are good for the soul.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Here's my normal day. Wake at around 8am, post to blogs and read my blogs and forum posts, housework, shower, more housework, piddle on the computer, spend some time with my teenager, cook supper, visit trucker (who doesn't get home till around 7pm), watch tv, computer again and try to go to bed around 11pm.
However I lay there tossing and turning till around 1-4 am and nothing is making me sleepy. Tonight I am trying some lavender cap tea from a good friend of mine. She swears by it. I hope to God it works for me. If so I am buying in bulk from now on. My mom says I need more exercise and fresh air. Well that would work when it finally warms up. Tomorrow they are saying the weather is going to be around 70 degrees. Maybe I will go out and plant some flower bulbs. That is if I'm not still in bed trying to sleep.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
As the weekend draws near I am filled with excitement and a I also must admit, a small amount of dread. You see this Saturday I am taking my baby (my once diaper wearing, baby lotion smelling baby) prom dress shopping. Where did the time go? It seems it was gone in the blink of an eye. I mean wasn't it just yesterday I was up till 11pm trying to get her to go to bed for the night and then the following morning awake long before she was wondering if she was alright because at 11am she was still asleep? Wasn't it only a very very short time ago I walked into her kindergarten class carrying all those cupcakes I so lovingly baked for her birthday that year? And what about the time I helped her practice her cheerleading routines? Or the time we spent curled up on the couch together coloring in her books? Reading her her very first bedtime story at night?
Sometimes I so desperately want my baby back. The smell of her after giving her a bath at night. I swear to you there is no better smell on earth that compares to this. The laughter in her eyes at the long ago private jokes we shared. Those big baby blues looking up at me in such adoration.
Wait a minute while I compose myself here and dry my eyes.................................sniff.
Then I remember if I was to go back in time that I also have to endure yet again the smell of those nasty disgusting diapers (there is also no other smell on earth that compares to this one as well), the long nights of sickness from colic, ear aches, and having her tonsils removed. Not to mention the cries when she fell and hurt herself learning to ride her bike, the cruelness of other children when she first got her braces.
Maybe we are both better off in this phase of our lives together. I always have my memories and pictures to remember all these wonderful times and events. As well as the longing to see what becomes of the rest of her life. How I helped mold her into the person she has become and what more she will become and accomplish.
No I think I will stay right where I am. Looking forward to helping her choose the perfect dress for just such a perfect night.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Today is about "the little things" someone shows you that to me means truly they do love you.
Last night while sleeping (heck of course not while awake) I had a horrible, horrible nightmare. The kind that have you screaming, fighting and jerking in your sleep. I remember it vividly. I was in an insane asylum!! For what I don't know. However there I was in this place. Now mind you I have never set foot in one (and god knows I have no future plans of it) and honestly do not know what sort of people live in them. But in my dream they were grotesque creatures with mangled teeth, bulging eyes, sparse hair, overly large heads (sorta like the inbreds in Texas Chainsaw Massacre) and they were eating at my fingers, toes and various other body parts. I couldn't get away. I was (as said) screaming, tossing around and fighting in my sleep. Trucker man came to my rescue and woke me. He reached out his arms and engulfed me into his chest and held me. All while whispering to me to think happy thoughts. He was actually whispering in my ear "puppy dog tails, ice cream, snails, baby's laughter" and the list goes on. The sound of his voice and sweet sayings calmed my trembling, crying body back into sleep.
This is only one of the many little things my trucker does to show his love. I am also reminded with these little things just how lucky I am.
In what ways does your s/o or hubby show their love with little things?
Sunday, March 9, 2008
and then it happens. The sounds of truckers spawn bickering in the other room, fighting over who gets the computer, fighting over how to play an online game, trucker father trying to maintain some semblance of control and it's then I realize.......................... it's time to head back to the coffee pot for more and this time extra Bailey's to top the cup off.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
I woke from my much needed "lady of leisure nap" yesterday to find a beautiful, serene, peaceful sight. It was snowing. It was truly a breathtaking sight to behold as I finally managed to focus on it. After all my eyes aren't what they used to be and the glare was blinding me. Softly falling snow bringing with it a peace and calm unlike anything else mother nature can do for us. When my eyes finally adjusted to this and the thought sunk into my sleep filled mind I knew I had to take pictures. Something drew me to the outdoors to connect with mother nature in all her splendor.
I threw on my coat and shoes. Of course in my excitement I didn't think about how truly dang cold it was out in mother nature's world. I grabbed my digital camera and off I went.
I enjoyed the view of the snow falling from the inside of the house after that. It fell for another several hours and those pictures I did not take. To cold for this "lady of leisure" to be back out in it.
Later on that evening my husband came in from work with his two children (or spawn as I prefer to call them). They wanted to play out in the snow even if it was 8pm. So my trucker man being the person he is (btw, that's one that doesn't know how to say NO) let the spawn have their way. After all he said "they're only kids and this happens so rarely". Off they went with him in tow. I could hear the sounds of laughter, snowballs hitting the side of the house and giggling from outside. They were having a wonderful time together. I managed to take a few pictures from inside where I had vowed to stay. Later when the sound of laughter died down I knew it was time to come in. Trucker man brought them into the kitchen and snow was everywhere. I mean everywhere. Not a dry place left on the floor. Spawn were wet, cold, whining and crying from the damp cold of playing. Now who do you think got to clean up this mess? You're right. ME, the lady of leisure. I HATE SNOW NOW. I am so glad this truly is a rare event in the south.
Friday, March 7, 2008
I ask this question because quite honestly it was only a short time ago (ok, well about three years ago) that I was able to sleep till noon if given the chance. Naturally of course this chance didn't come to often. Since I was a single mom to a teenager then as well as working two full time jobs. Maybe on the occasional Sunday morning did the opportunity arise. Now I can't for the life of me no matter how hard I try, beg and plead manage to sleep past 8am. I think this is another pitfall of middle age. Our bodies desperately long for sleep (whether drug induced or not) but alas we wake with the chickens. Now in my case it's mostly because the bladder can't hold out any longer (wondering if it's time to invest in some depends here) or as this morning's case was that my wonderful trucker man had to be up so danged early. No matter how quite he is, no matter how many lights he leaves turned off, the fumbling around in the dark he does always wakes me up. But seriously I can't blame it on him (even if I would like to deep down) it's simply the way life is now for me.
As I lay there hoping for more sleep I also thought about just how truly lucky I am (even if I wake most mornings before other human's have risen from the vampire like slumbers) that I have it easy. After all I can NAP during the day!!
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Maybe I should have paid closer attention to the subtle (or maybe not so subtle) signs? Whatever the cause and whenever it did happen the point is it HAS happened.
Maybe it started happening the day I said those two precious little words "I do". Or maybe it happened the day I said "Sure honey, you can become a trucker". Maybe it just simply happened over a period of, oh let's say, a lifetime.
All I do know for sure, is it's close to my 46th birthday and whatever the case may be, It HAS happened.
I look in the mirror now and see wrinkles where there once was dimples, lines that seemingly are etched into my face with a chisel, saggy boobs that were once quite perky now hang to my kneecaps (Oh God I look like my mother), legs that contain cellulite that once were long and lean, and thinning hair that was once full and shining and now is dull and lifeless, and not to mention the stomach that was once flat and taut. I won't even begin to say how it appears to me now when I look in the mirror. I am not happy with this at all.
Does this mean that my life as I knew it is over? NO WAY!! It means I am starting the second phase (or ACT II) of my life.
I will say that when I do look at myself in the mirror I see those same wrinkles and lines with a whole new meaning. Now I see that those are reminders of all the times I have laughed and cried, the times that made me who I am today. I see my breasts as "objects of great affection" that my trucker adores and bows down to (and believe me he does)!! I see my stomach as "the place that provided comfort and home to my two children" for a total of 18 months. For without my poochie stomach life would not have existed for them.
I also look at myself in the mirror and think "God I look good at 45", for afterall someone has to boost my self confidence! And why shouldn't it be ME?
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
I'm the first born child of a farmer (hence the all about ME part), raised on a soybean and rice farm (obviously) in the middle of Nowheresville, AR. Seriously had you blinked when you drove through my little town, well, then you missed it. I also must mention I grew up on horseback. My family chose horses over a built in swimming pool. Smart move on our part as a swimming pool in the middle of the great mosquito capital would have proved to be a huge blood loss to us. Also considering the mosquitoes were large enough to open doors and "come on in" to visit. Our town actually has a celebration once a year honoring the pesky blood suckers.
I married right out of high school to my sweetheart, had two wonderful children, then decided we weren't meant to be more than high school sweeties. One of those "gee when did we grow up" things? Then I traveled down the path of two nasty (but learning lessons) of future failed marriages. More on this later as time progresses. I would hate to depress and put the fear of marriage into you now.
I met the love of my life three years ago. Yes the reason I am now a mid life trucker's wife. He wasn't a trucker when I met him however. This came after being married a brief time span. I often wonder if marriage to me drove him to this. LOL. After all I was just starting pre-menopause about the time we married. Heck I wouldn't blame him if this was the reason.
Just so you're forewarned this blog will often times contain pictures of my wonderfully stubborn children, two of my step children and the rest of my family. It could and probably will contain video's (if nothing else exciting going on in my life), recipes, and general knowledge of what it's like to be mid life in an insane world. Not to mention lots of ramblings from myself. After all this is about ME.
And this handsome man is the trucker in my life.
And it wouldn't be complete without at least one pic of my daughter and trucker's two children.